Tracing Holland (NSB Book 2) Read online

  “I guess I’m an orphan now,” I muse into the stillness, and she squeezes my hand.

  “I’m sorry, Luke. And I’m especially sorry that you had to find out that way.”

  “She didn’t know her, Holland. My aunt didn’t know my mother. She only knew a baby sister that left thirty years ago.”

  I can feel Holland react and open my eyes to meet her gaze as she turns. “Your aunt didn’t seem to have a lot of room for understanding that reality, what your life was like with your mother.”

  I’m quiet again as more unwelcome memories return. Maybe it’s time for this one person to understand. “You know my mother never contacted me again after I left?”

  Holland stiffens, staring at me in disbelief. I can see her look out of the corner of my eye, but I can’t return it. I continue focusing on a fly scaling the headrest of the front seat.

  “What? Not once?”

  I shake my head. “No. Not a birthday card, phone call, nothing.”

  “Luke…”

  I squint through the far window again. “I didn’t expect much, and yet she still managed to completely disappoint. She still managed to make sure I understood how little I mattered. I’ve been an orphan since I was fourteen.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  I shake my head and finally look at her, willing her to understand. “I had music, Holland. That’s it. That’s all I had.”

  She kisses me, then. Gently at first, then harder as I cup her face and unleash some of my own pent-up emotion. It feels so good, she feels so good, such a stark contrast to the hell I just went through. Our connection intensifies as we’re overwhelmed by our sudden need to heal the fresh wounds, fill the gouges with something beautiful. It’s almost like I can sense the pain melting away the more I breathe her in.

  “Luke, someone might see us,” she whispers, and I sigh.

  “I know. You’re right.” I pull back slightly and rest my forehead against hers, trying to catch my breath. She lifts my chin so she can meet my gaze.

  “Luke?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You have a family now. You know that, right? The real kind. The kind that loves you and will protect you. The kind that chose you.”

  She searches my eyes and that strange warmth begins to spread through me again. I can’t even respond at first, her words sinking deep into my soul and taking root. The emotion starts to rise and I have to swallow to keep my hold.

  “Thank you, Holland.”

  She gives me another quick kiss before we spot Callie and Casey, the rest of my little family, making their way back to us.

  ∞∞∞

  “We come bearing gifts,” Casey says, climbing into the driver’s seat with two giant plastic cups. He passes one to me and one to Holland. “How much do you love me right now?”

  I stare at the brown liquid in awe. “Is this…no…”

  He grins and nods. “It is, my friend. The nectar of the gods itself, Abby Barrett’s lemonade iced tea.”

  “It’s pretty good,” Callie assures us.

  “Pretty good?” Casey cries, staring at her in disbelief. “Pretty good? It’s freaking life-changing!”

  Callie rolls her eyes. “Hon, it’s extra sweet iced tea.”

  Casey groans. “You are such a tea snob! It’s sweet, tart, refreshing and amazing. Seriously, I’ve been bugging her to bottle it for years. The world needs to know about this.”

  “Oh my gosh…Casey! It’s. Iced. Tea!”

  Casey shakes his head sadly and turns to us. “It’s so unfortunate. Please try not to pity her. It’s because she considers cold tea an affront to the very concept of tea. She can’t cope.”

  Callie shoves him, and he grins. “I already said it was good! Sorry if I’m not ready to trade my firstborn son for it!”

  “Really? Don’t I get a say in that?” he teases, and she glares at him.

  I can feel Holland’s eyes and exchange an amused look with her.

  “Thanks, guys. This is great. We were thirsty,” Holland adds, taking another sip.

  When the mood settles abruptly, I suck in my breath.

  “We heard what happened, man,” Casey begins softly after a pause. “I’m sorry. Nate said it was brutal.”

  I nod and instinctively stare out the window again. I can’t even begin to respond to that right now. “Thanks. Can you just take us back to the hotel?” I plead, meeting Casey’s gaze, and I swear ten years pass between us. I hope he understands how much I love him.

  “Of course, bro. We got you.”

  I force a grateful smile and turn back to my window as Casey straps in and starts the car. I feel pressure on my hand and close my eyes as the tension starts to melt from my body. Holland squeezes, and I squeeze back, protecting her hand with everything I have left.

  ∞∞∞

  I’m not up for anything else after we return to the hotel, and Callie and Casey seem just as happy to retire as well. They have the dreaded funeral the next day, and I’m sure they’d appreciate an evening of peace to prepare for that trial. After today’s adventure, we all agree I should sit this one out.

  Holland follows me into my room and drops to the bed, grabbing the remote in one fluid motion. “So, what’s it going to be? Long, involved conversation saturated with feelings and angst, or TV?”

  I give her a look, and she chuckles, patting the space beside her.

  “Come here.”

  I lower myself to the soft comforter and close my eyes, suddenly so tired I think I’ll fall asleep before she even finds a show to watch. I can hear the channels change and finally stop on what sounds like a cooking competition. The warmth of her body soon follows as she snuggles against me, and I tuck my arm around her, holding her close. She intertwines her fingers with mine and kisses my hand.

  “Did you know I wanted to be a chef before a doctor?” she asks.

  “No,” I mumble from my stupor, amused by the random question.

  “Yep. Chef Holland. Has a ring to it, don’t you think?”

  “Babe, your name is Holland. No matter what you do it would have a ring to it. Dr. Holland. President Holland. Tracing Holland.”

  She adjusts her position so she’s facing me, and I open my eyes to meet her.

  “I love music, Luke. I love what I do, but I could have done something else. I could have been a chef, or a doctor, or anything, really, and the world would have been the same.” She pauses, studying me with an intensity that always captivates me. That intelligence behind her eyes. That grasp of life. “But not you. You had to be a musician. There was no choice.”

  I grin. “Well, that’s good, because I’m not good at anything else.”

  She doesn’t smile, still considering, still searching my eyes. “No, that’s not what I mean. I’m not talking about your job or career. I’m talking about history. I’m talking about the way your music changes the people it touches. The world needs it, Luke. It needs your gift.”

  My smile fades as her words overwhelm me. I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t know how to return something so beautiful, so precious. Instead, I find myself doing the only thing I can, giving her my heart with a kiss that unhinges both of us.

  A moment ago I was ready to fall asleep and now every cell in my body is blazing with life. I can barely hear the TV blaring behind us as I lean over her, our kiss intensifying from sweet to all-consuming. Every muscle in my body tenses, straining with hunger for this woman, and when she rips at my shirt, I help yank it over my head. Her impatient hands climb my arms, my bare chest, wrapping around my neck and forcing me into her. She can’t get enough, and neither can I when she tortures me further by shrugging off her own clothes.

  There is nothing gentle about our contact now. We are fighting for each other, our bodies colliding in that natural rhythm that makes you forget your own existence. She’s all there is at this moment. Holland Drake. Beautiful. Talented. Compassionate. Driven. Honest. And completely mine, for no reason I will ever understand.

/>   Her hands grip my hair, pulling me toward her with the same force pushing me. We’re completely lost now as I explore her, drawn to every curve, every addictive gasp from her lips that vibrates through me as she reacts to my touch. My mouth finds hers again as she fights the button on my jeans, just wrecking me when she wins. Her merciless grasp only makes me burn hotter, destroying my ability to focus on anything but her. I can’t even think straight.

  We own each other. We need each other.

  “Please tell me you brought protection,” she breathes, and I grin against her lips.

  “Front section of my suitcase.”

  “Good. Go!”

  I need no more encouragement, and love that she can’t even wait for me to return. She follows me, nearly driving me to distraction before dragging me back to our desperate contact the second I succeed. Her perfect body is fully exposed now as she pulls me on top of her. She’s a dream. She has to be.

  “Have I ever mentioned how gorgeous you are?” I murmur, almost paralyzed when her beautiful eyes search mine. But we’re in no state for words, and drive back into each other with renewed desperation. This time, I’m ready for the assault on my nerves and surrender to every thud of my pounding blood. It’s blistering through my veins now, consuming me, propelling me toward her with an urgency she meets in an agonizing, magnificent, mutual ache. I’m completely abandoned to her.

  Her groans, her reckless grip, is gasoline for the fire I already can’t control, and I find myself obsessed with taking her wherever she wants to go, with making myself the only presence in her universe. I want her to explode, to make her body plead for mine. To draw her to another place, another level of ecstasy. She’s as wrecked as I am, I can see it, sense it in every arch, every surrender of her trembling form. It’s devastating my own. I can’t think, I can’t breathe. I just have to be part of her.

  “Luke…” she can’t speak as another gasp takes her breath away, then another, but I don’t need guidance. I understand this woman. Every line, curve, and cell just makes sense to me. She pulls hard, her hips begging with a force that unleashes everything left of the explosive power reserved for her, this one woman I never saw coming. She meets me in perfect harmony, just as lost as I am. Both of us completely annihilated by the volatile connection. Beautiful, dangerous, breathtaking.

  I’m still fighting for air as we finish and I gaze into her face, so beautiful in that moment I can’t look away. She grins, releasing a content sigh that echoes deep into my soul.

  “Ok, wow,” she whispers, curving her hands around my arms as I balance over her, still staring in awe.

  I return her grin and give her another kiss.

  “Hang on. I have to just stare at you for a moment,” she says with a sly look, and I laugh.

  “Um…”

  She pulls my head down and kisses me again. “Sorry. It’s that stupid Pavlovian thing!”

  I grin, and collapse on the mattress beside her, completely content for one of the first times I can remember. We’re quiet for a long time as we lie close, but it’s not awkward, just perfect peace after the raging storm.

  “You’re getting better, you know,” she teases after a moment, interrupting the formerly pleasant silence.

  My gaze shoots over to her in disbelief, and she laughs at my expression.

  “I’m kidding!” Her eyes dance as she takes my hand and brings it to her perfect lips.

  I shake my head with a grin. “You really know how to give a guy a complex, I swear.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Oh yeah, because I clearly didn’t like what just happened.”

  I laugh again, and lean back on the pillow. “You know, please feel free to tell me how much I rocked your world. Anytime now would be good. My ego can handle it, I promise.”

  It’s her turn to laugh as she turns and props herself up on her elbow. “So that’s it, huh? That’s what does it for you? To finish and have my big blue eyes stare into yours. Husky, post-sex voice all gravelly and desperate…‘Yeah, baby. Thanks for rockin’ my world.’”

  I almost choke, and she giggles as I wrestle her back against the pillows.

  ∞∞∞

  We have food sent up and are working our way through another cooking competition when Holland’s phone buzzes to life. She glances at the display, and there’s nothing I like about the way her expression darkens.

  “What is it?” I ask, and she almost seems startled at my voice as she glances up. She waves her hand dismissively but I don’t buy it for a second.

  “Oh, nothing. Just stupid stuff. Ok, so is there any way you would actually eat that sea urchin aioli the bowtie dude is making?”

  I don’t want to call her out on the lie, but I really couldn’t care less about sea urchin aioli at the moment. When her phone starts going again, and again, and again, I’ve had enough. “Holland, what the hell is going on? It’s obviously not nothing.”

  She bites her lip and glances back at her phone.

  “Holland, come on. After everything I’ve dumped on you?”

  She sighs. “It’s not that. I’m not hiding anything from you…it’s…”

  I curse, suddenly so angry I can barely stay seated. “It’s Wes, isn’t it? He’s been harassing you since you left Philly with me!”

  She shrinks a bit, and I swear my head’s about to explode. “Luke, please, he just doesn’t understand!”

  “He doesn’t understand? What’s there to understand? All he needs to understand is that it’s none of his damn business and he needs to back the fuck off!”

  “Luke, calm down! This is why I didn’t say anything! Please don’t be upset with me, I just…”

  I freeze, immediately softening and moving to her side. “Whoa, hang on. Holland, I’m not upset with you.” I take her hands and force her to look at me. “I just can’t stand the fact that he’s making your life miserable because of me. I don’t want you to have to fight this battle on my behalf. He took me on directly at that club, and that’s the way it should be if he has a problem with me, ok? That’s all. I don’t like you being caught in the middle.”

  I can’t tell if she’s convinced, but I know I’m not resting until she is. “Holland, please, just give me his number. Let me talk to him.”

  “What? No. No way.”

  “Just let me talk to him. Please! Let me do this for you.”

  She shakes her head. “No, Luke. Thank you, but I really don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  I grin and almost laugh. “No, of course it’s not. It’s a horrible idea! Just, let me try. I have to.”

  She looks away. “Seriously, Luke, I appreciate it, I just don’t see any way out of this one. He hates you because he doesn’t understand. He will never see you the way I do.”

  I sigh. “That’s because all I’ve ever given him is what he expected.”

  Her eyes shoot to mine, and I hold out my hand. “I know it could be a disaster, but let me try. Please?” I draw in a deep breath. “Just one shot, that’s all I’m asking.”

  “What are you going to do? What could you possible say to fix this?”

  I shrug and shake my head. “I don’t know yet, but I do know it has to stop.” I pause and look in her eyes again. “I’m not giving you up, Holland, so either we deal with this, you let him go, or we continue fighting this battle forever. Ultimately, it’s your choice, but I vote for dealing with it.”

  “Ugh. Fine,” she grumbles, logging into her phone. “I hate when you’re logical. It’s so annoying.”

  I grin and reach for it, but she hesitates. “You’re sure? You’re absolutely sure you want to do this? After everything you just went through at that nightmare of a barbeque, you now want to deal with this too? We can tackle it later, Luke.”

  I shake my head and grab the phone from her. “I’m sure.” I click on his name and take a deep breath when the line connects.

  “Holland?”

  “No, it’s Luke.”

  “What? You bastard! Why do you have her p
hone?”

  “Because it’s me you need to be talking to right now, not her.”

  “That’s her choice!”

  “Yes, and she’s choosing the fact that she wants to have both of us in her life, so now it’s up to you and me to resolve this.”

  “Never gonna happen.”

  “Wes, it has to, man, ok? It has to.” I sigh and clench my eyes shut for a second, trying to gather myself together. Am I really going to do this? I glance at Holland and realize I have no choice. “Look, I get it. I do. I was an asshole for most of my life. You’re right, I would not have deserved a woman like Holland then, and quite frankly, I’m not sure I do now. But all that means is I’m going to fight every second of every day to overcome my shortcomings, to fight toward the goal of being worthy of her, so that maybe one day I will actually be something she deserves.” I glance up at her again, and almost lose it at the look on her face. “She makes me want to try, man. She makes me believe that I can be better. That I have to be.”

  He doesn’t respond, and I force my gaze away from Holland so I can focus back on my plea. “Wes, I swear to you, I know what I have here. I know she’s too good for me. But I am not the person I was. I’m a person who understands exactly what I was, and why I need to be better. And I sure as hell know why I need to be thankful every single day that Holland Drake is in my life. I will not fuck this up. But, dude, if I do? I will find you, wherever you are, and let you beat the shit out of me. No questions asked.”

  The line goes dead, and I let out my breath before daring a look back at Holland. I don’t even get a chance to say anything before her arms are around my neck, her face buried in my shoulder. I just hold her, both of us locked in silence as we process what just happened.

  “That was beautiful, Luke. What you just did was…” she pulls back and stares at me in awe. “I didn’t think you could surprise me anymore.”

  I smile, suddenly shy. “I’m pretty sure the surprises are just starting. I’m going to be surprising both of us a lot from here on out. I better, or Wes just got a license to mess me up.”